Dear Carolyn: How do you divorce a sister when you have three other siblings you want to stay in touch with? I am the only one who lives in another town. For decades, I have put up with her rudeness, lies and all-out attempts to diminish me. She enters a room, after not seeing me for months, and walks right by me, pretending I am not there. She talks over me when I am trying to speak. When she does speak to me, it is only to tell me how hard her life is or how wrong I am.
After my mother passed away last month, she barely spoke to me except to yell at me for writing an obituary she had agreed to.
I’m done with her, but I still want to see my other siblings. How do I manage this untenable situation? I’ve really tried, but I’m …
— Just Done With It
Just Done With It: Short answer: You don’t divorce the sister.
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Estrangement is awful. Sometimes it’s necessary — mainly when being in someone’s presence puts you at risk of physical or psychological injury. That’s when you decide exposure to the problem sister is so painful that you’re willing to risk the other siblings if that’s the price for saving yourself.
Is that where you are? Because what you describe seems — and do correct me if I’m wrong — more like advanced fatigue at dealing with an obnoxious, oddly juvenile adult. And getting away from her, as dreamy as it sounds, might not be worth the collateral damage to your bonds with your other siblings.
Your geography plays a role in this calculation. Living elsewhere while they’re all in the same town means the planets will rarely, if ever, align to bring sibs together in different configurations that happen to not include the rude one. You’re in town to see one, I’m guessing, and you see them all.
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Instead of an open sisterly divorce, try an internal, mental and emotional split: You still show up as always, you still get ignored by Her Rudeness and you just … don’t care. Or you learn not to with practice. You say hi to her in a calm way and don’t expect a response. When she talks over you, you pause until she stops, then you say, calmly, “As I was saying,” and resume speaking (also calmly) right where you left off. When she says how hard things are and how wrong you are, then you say, calmly, “I’m sorry to hear that.” When she berates you for doing something she previously agreed to, you say, calmly, “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.” There’s power in self-control.
Aim for neutral disengagement, because that’s a big job in itself — but when that becomes second nature, upgrade to compassionate disengagement. Antics like you describe are the work of an unhappy soul.
You can think of this approach as a way to neutralize her, but the reason it works is really that it neutralizes you. For her snubbing you to be effective, you have to care. For her lies and put-downs to work, you have to believe they matter. For her to compete with you on who is right or whose life is harder, you have to enter the competition yourself.
She may escalate as she feels you pull away. Hold your course.
This subtle disengagement may not only preserve your other sibling relationships but also improve them. And the rude one might soften as she lacks for things to react to, but that’s getting ahead of ourselves.
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
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